"Consciously Catalyze Transformation?"

note: originally posted on Jan 12, 2018 in The Emerging Feminine, FB Group

note: I learned about Seeing Red’s “A Voice No Longer Silent” from my doctor, who happens to be a very intuitive and sensitive man.  And he, as well as a woman who is certified in Transformational Breath therapy, are both supporting me during this coursework.

From Loralee Scott: “Can we consciously catalyze transformation?”

After reading Demaris Wehr's chapter on Individuation in “Jung & Feminism,” I made a list of my own inner cast of characters. I made up my own names for them, such as Playful Girl and Pleasing Maiden… But there was a gap, a blindspot between the two that I call: Young Woman Who Wants to Kill, and Mother Who Lifts the Fallen.

My doctor suggested the reason for my blind spot was because Young Woman Who Wants to Kill was not integrated yet. He said I needed to make room for her in my consciousness, even though she frightens me. Well, damn! How does one integrate an unwelcome aspect of oneself? It turned out that Yoram Kaufman’s orientational approach in “The Way of the Image” may have opened my eyes to a safe method of reacquainting myself with her.

The Young Woman Who Wants to Kill has always been angry. There was a time when she felt real enough to me that I adopted her as an alter ego. I named her Trinity, after the character in the film “The Matrix,” and I even imitated her style of dressing in sleek black for a while.

Until I read Yoram’s book, I had never thought much about the name. Trinity was a movie character, that’s all. But his approach prompted me to consider the probability that her name had meaning to me. Possibly, a meaning on an unconscious level.

So I started researching the word Trinity. And I learned that Trinity is also known as Triquetra, and is most often represented by a Celtic three-cornered knot of intersecting arcs in a pattern called Vesicae Piscis. In ancient times, this fish-pattern was a symbol of the feminine. And in pagan cultures the Triquetra has been interpreted as the three aspects of the female: Mother, Maiden and Crone.

This knowledge has led me to consider my alter ego Trinity in a new light. Maybe she was not just a representative for anger and vengeance, but also a representative for the Feminine Divine. I was beginning to see how her banishment from my inner cast of characters could cause an imbalance in my personal triquetra. With this in mind, I scheduled a Transformational Breath session to see what night happen if I held an intention to welcome her back to my psyche.

Transformational Breath utilizes deep breathing, vocalizing and intuitive movement. My practitioner also uses tribal music and hands-on support. It takes me to a trance-like state and enables me to get out of my head-mind.

My session regarding Trinity was very intense. I felt my body consumed with fury, and then felt my energy change to that of a shaking child. Was this the energy of a killer? I shuddered with the awkwardness of her presence, and then felt a shivering warmth spread through my upper body as my pounding fists relaxed.

At this point I was filled with a profound sense of loneliness, and I offered solace within my older self. And I came to understand, on a very physical level, that Trinity was never a Killer. Far from it. Trinity was nothing less than my Will to Survive. And I have misunderstood her and banished her from my self for so very long. Now, more that anything, I feel her as lonely.

I believe my Transformational Breath session may have opened a window for integration and positive change. I know my work with Trinity has only begun, but in this instance, yes, I believe we can consciously catalyze transformation.

A final thought that surfaced during this breath session was a line from T.S. Eliot’s “Dry Salvages” - “We had the experience but missed the meaning.”

Indeed, all these years I’ve thought of Trinity as a sort of Mata Hari, but the specific orientation of her name has led me to understand that she was nothing less than the spark of life itself, and she was only trying to keep me alive, in the best way she knew how at the time.

Welcome home, dear one. You’ve been out in the trenches for far too long.

Carrie Moss as Trinity in "The Matrix"

Carrie Moss as Trinity in "The Matrix"